Are you helping people or are you an enabler?
In a survey I did, 100% of the participants indicated they want to help people. Well, at least people do know why they are on earth!
What I am now wondering, is whether the help you want to give has conditions. And I am fairly sure most people will tell me they want to help unconditionally. But really?
Don’t you help because it makes you feel good? I know, I do. When I help someone and I see the appreciation and I know I made a difference in that person’s life, even just for the moment, I feel good!
Wealth Wednesday
How about finding worth in someone else’s view? Mmmm, a bit more tricky this one. The Bible tells us that the right hand should not know what the left hand is doing, but man, doesn’t it feel good when you are mentioned as a person that made something possible? And what if someone seeing you do good, gets inspired? That is then double good! I am proud to be part of a movement called Wealth Wednesday where we do a random act of kindness involving an exchange of cash to someone that cannot pay you back and often don’t know who has done this good deed. It is like reverse shoplifting (put cash in an item on a shelve in a shop like underneath a lid of baby formula), paying the order for the person behind you in a drive-thru, increase the tip you give a waiter, and hundreds more ideas. Do it with me and tell others about it.
How often do you help someone out of guilt? You feeling guilty that you have more or an easier life than someone else? Have you ever considered that you have worked for what you have, that you have learned to make better decisions, that you deserve what you have? Have you ever considered that the person taking you on a guilt trip, could’ve learned that this is an easy way to get what they want? Have you ever considered that you feeling guilty could also be learned behaviour that became a habit and eventually your personality? And how often have you realized that you were taken for a ride and then feel resentment?
Give unconditionally
Do you expect a certain behaviour when you give someone something? It doesn’t feel good when you give someone bread and see how they throw it in a trash bin. Just remember, that is not giving unconditionally AND you have only your side of the story. It is none of your business what the recipient is doing with the gift. If you cannot detach from what the recipient will do, my suggestion is that you rather not give. The harm you’re doing your soul with expecting others to do as you wish, is not worth it. Another way of thinking about this, is that you wish to control another.
When you are helping someone, do you really help, or are you enabling bad behaviour? Which, by implication, is making you an enabler. Enabling in this way, is doing something for someone on a regular basis that which he should or could do for himself. Your behaviour is creating bad habits for both yourself and the recipient. It is also chipping away at both your and his self-esteem. And soon resentment will rear its ugly head. It is ok to help someone occasionally and when someone really is in a desperate situation. And don’t fool yourself that you don’t always give something to the beggar on the corner. You, and all other enablers, collectively do exactly the same thing and keep that poor person in this cycle.
Teach to catch a fish
Most givers say they want to teach a person to catch a fish, rather than give him a bread (or a fish 😊). However, this implies sales, which most people hate with a passion! And no, not selling a bread for money, selling an idea to someone that is not open to the idea. It is just so much easier to give the fish than to teach someone to fish for themselves. With that you think you have done your duty to humanity and you have probably soothe your conscience.
What if we go back to biblical ideas of no work, no food? Of no tolerance of crime? Of understanding that we have to take responsibility for our own income and not rely on someone else to provide a job? Of teaching our children the values that we believe in and not rely on a school and government system and even a church system to do that which we were entrusted to do when we received them at birth? Within a short period of time, we can have a thriving community if we just stop enabling others and rather sell all the wonderful opportunities that we are so abundantly surrounded by!